Worst Diet Ever.

Um, I mean worst dietER ever.

I don't get it. It all started off good. Half a bagel brushed with olive oil and an all fruit smoothie...and then...

I went on a bad food eating spree. For real. I have been shoving pizza, BBQ, coleslaw, cupcakes...ANYTHING in my face that I possibly can. I am confessing my foodsins now...please forgive me thighs, butt, and gut.

Hi my name is Fat Bride Slim, and I am a emotional/stress/boredom eater. This is the badge I wear in the center of my big fatty fat ass. Thankfully, I have only been relapsed for a few days, but still. It weighs on me like the size 14 that is still in my closet "just in case". After you have the first horrible decision of the day....baked mac and cheese topped with BBQ (hey stop judging, it was DELICIOUS) it just kinda snowballs and I decide the only way to not eat bad anymore is to eat all the bad in the house...FAIL. So now, it's dinnertime and I know that the entire day is a wash...so why not just order fried chicken and french fries and start from scratch tomorrow with the promise of a good day.

Damn. Mama wants fried. Stat. I need a bad wedding dress experience to make me healthy again. Dang Sabine made me feel all pretty and awesome, now I'm cocky and don't want to trim up anymore. I need a bodyguard for my fridge, someone to protect it's contents from getting in my belly. I will then need that bodyguard to chase me down the street for preferably 2-3 miles so I will exercise too.

So here goes. Tomorrow is a new day. A day where I will do SOME form of exercise and not eat everything in my house (mostly because I ate it all today).

In the Name of Beauty

I have grey hair. I have ALOT of grey hair. I am sitting in front of this computer complaining about my grey hair whilst dyeing my grey hair. Just the greys. I am terrified to do all over color on my hair in fear that it will turn into shredded wheat and fall out of my head. So I sit medusa'ed and wait to see if my dye resistant grey hair will accept the stinky crap sitting on my head burning a little.

I have a mustache. Most people don't notice my mustache (affectionately called Mr. Tracy by my high school boyfriend forever scarring me and my facial hair), but I do. I see it when I brush my teeth, when I am putting on makeup, when I floss...all the time. I have thought about waxing him, but I am sure that if I do it will only anger him and make it grow back in a full on fumanchoo, forcing me to join the circus and make children cry as the bearded..er...mustached lady. So instead I bleach him. Right now. I am using a ton of it, so it will either turn white (preferable) or be chemically burned off my lip forever (more painful but equally preferable). So here I sit, in front of the computer with medusa hair and a white bleach mustache that both burn and are making me a little high. For Real. If it will make you laugh harder imagine me doing a dance...in orange boxers with chickens all over them and a hot pink tube top...BINGO! I just made you day.

Did I mention my eyebrow? I get my eyebrow hair ripped out of my face biweekly, because without it, the two man made ones morph into my God made single one, similar to a giant catapiller. I am so sexy when I let myself go...who wouldn't want to marry an old grey mustached lady with 1 eyebrow...good thing Matt does.

So this is what I do for beauty. I hide all the Steve Tracy that I apparently inherited...grey hair, crazy mustache...thanks for the genetics dad. (But I thank you for real for the dark eyes, sense of humor, huge heart, and awesome smile...If one would say I posses those qualities). What do men do? HUH? What's up guys...how about your groom YOUR unibrow? Or shave (and maintain) the hair on your legs...aka MOST OF MY BODY...? All you have to do is put on deoderant (if we're lucky) and put gel in your hair...I scoff at your hair gel. I blow dry (in 90 degree weather without AC), flat iron, defrizz, and seal with humidity resistant hairspray..all which aint cheap buddys...and you use hairgel....bah. Anyways. Matt would still love me even if I got all Megor'ed out (Megor is my troll like alter ego who loves potato chips and ice cream and burping. Megor does not groom), at least I hope so...

I am assuming a major part of my wedding planning will also be a brigade of coiffing, grooming, and assuring myself there will be no chance of the return of Mr. Meg T. I can hear the vows now...

"Do you Matt, take this mustache..."

No thank you.

I need to refigure my budget for all this grooming.

Can I Get Yo Digits?

So yesterday was a rough day. Especially on my digits.

You know your a fat girl when you get two food related injuries in the same day.

Injury #1: With a grocery cart filled with food. I am making my way down the bread aisle (obviously) when BAM. I rolled over my own toe with a grocery cart. Blood starts seeping out of my flip flop, and as I limp over to the bread man, there are 3 other Stop and Shop men surrounding me. One guy is wiping down my shoe, the other three fighting over the best way to bandage my ring toe. I felt like the Cinderella of the Bread and Bun aisle. I believe I left the toe nail in the bread aisle, and was able to continue my shopping with barely a limp...carbs are attacking my body in a whole new way...usually they just effect my waistline, now they are going for blood.

Injury #2: At Matt's suggestion, instead of buying preshredded cabbage for cole slaw, I am shredding it on his kitchen mandolin. Please see photo:
THIS IS A DEATH BLADE. This is the death blade responsible for removing the end of my pinky finger. Yeah, you read it correctly...I cut off the tip of my FRIGGIN pinky with this helpful kitchen apparatus. I was just shredding away at some cabbage and then ZIP...bye bye pinky tip + nail. But it's ok, I was wearing blue nail polish so it was easy to find it in the kitchen sink. The cole slaw was finger free.

I had no idea pinky fingers were filled with so much blood...it was gushing...pretty scary stuff..but after holding it above my head for a couple of hours it finally stopped. Good thing Matt is so good at dressing kitchen mishaps. The good news is that your fingertips regenerate! So I will have a normal pinky again in no time!

I need to rest my pinky now.

Thrown of Lies

I have something to get off my chest. As a fat girl, I enjoy food network. I love Paula Deen and her need to deep fry everything. I love that she has a recipe for a Krispy Kreme Hamburger, and that her waistline makes me know that it is not a good idea to cook one for myself. I love Tyler Florence, and how his belly has increased with the popularity of his show. I even respect Rachel Ray and her roundness, even though I am pretty sure she is among the most annoying humans on earth.

What I do not love, or respect is Giada DeLaurentes. She is a lying whore. There is no FRIGGIN way she eats all those carbs and keeps her body smaller than her head. NO EFFING WAY. There is no way she chows down on homemade fried mozzarella (pronounced in italian, but continue sounding american when reading the rest of this.) and stays a size two. NO WAY she can even taste one friggin bite of the cheesecake and canolis on a regular basis and not be the size of Mrs. Deen. SO guess what Giada...your a lying whore. And if you aren't a lying whore, please enlighten us fatties who make the food YOU cook, and somehow are writing blogs called FAT BRIDE SLIM, and don't say you just do crunches, because that is bullshit. Just tell the truth Giada. You sit on a thrown of lies.

And PS. Put your boobies away skank.


Moving on.

So yesterday. I bought a size 10! YAY! In skinny jeans! DOUBLE YAY! I am not sure what I did (as I have been a disgusting techie lately), but I did it. It simply MUST be my butt shoes. I do feel the burn on a daily basis, and they are pretty awesome. (I know what I didn't do. Make one of that lying skank's recipes...thrown of lies, Giada) I haven't been eating the healthiest, and I have been drinking a little more than usual, but it's summertime tech week, and it happens.

As far as planning is concerned, I have been pretty busy lately, so apologies. I know inspiration will hit pretty hard now that I have the new play opened. It's also much easier to use a glue gun when it's not 400 degrees inside your house.

Finally, birthday shout out to J Tray. Thanks for following and for going to David's Bridal with me. Without you I would have slit my wrists and ruined a shit ton of tulle.

DIY Deathtrap

Meg and Matts Wedding by meegant

So this is the inspiration board, AKA my homework from "Sandy". Let me know what you think about the details...I am still building and tweaking, but its a start to get all my ideas down...ya know? Feedback is loved, and I hope you like it! Matt helped too!

I have a obsession with buying scrapbook paper to make my pinwheels with. I actually think I have more paper than I need to make 150 pinwheels, but I get in that aisle at Michaels Crafts and I just loose my mind. All the pretty colors and patterns...it's hypnotic. Before I know it, I have poppy printed pearl finished paper sitting on my craft table. I swear Michaels must by pumping some kinda of hallucinogen into that aisle. Not that I am complaining. Poppy printed pearl finished paper will make one hell of a pinwheel. Michaels is a DIY Bride death trap. I go in, and just become a crazy woman, I find myself in the rhinestone section just enthralled by all the sparkle...I don't know where there will be sparkle, but 2 packs of fake rhinestones and a bag of 250 gluesticks say "THERE WILL BE SPARKLE". I want to buy feathers...why? I have no idea, but I love feathers? I just walk around, aisle by aisle in a daze, like Dorothy over the Rainbow, envisioning homemade paper flower garlands, custom hair pieces for me and my entire Bridal Party, banners, signs, giant letters that are also boxes (why? No Clue, but they are kinda cool), glitter! in every color of fall. With lots of sparkles. Like I said, DIY Deathtrap.

Fitness is coming in the form of moving furniture for the play lately, as I have been crazy busy as we go into Tech Week at work. I am so excited to get this play all lit and pretty...but it means I might be MIA for a week or so while slammed at work. I will wear my Butt Shoes all weekend though, so it will give me a little extra oompf that I would not be getting in Non-Butt Shoes. I love my Butt Shoes. They are so legit. By the time I had walked to work, I was BURNIN! And it. was. good. By the end of the day, I was sore and could feel my hammis just begging for relief. And all I had to do was friggin walk! Thank you Reebok! Take that Jillian Friggin Michaels! Ya know what Bob, I will smile as I work out now, cuz I'm walkin on sunshine (and 16 pods of air).

I am so proud that I have continued my healthy eating throughout this week, last night I went out to dinner with my faves (J. Tray, and Stephen) and chose my dinner so wisely that our waitress complimented and could tell I was obviously trying to loose for a wedding...she also complimented my big ol' rock! Instead of getting a giant meal, or a carb loaded sandwich, I ordered sauteed spinach, grilled asparagus, and garlic mashed taters. The taters, not the healthiest, but it beats french fries. When I met with my cast for drinks later, I chose vodka and tonic (less cals)rather than super calorie beer. Don't worry mama, I didnt drink too much.

Today I had 1/2 a falafal wrap and some pita chips, saved the rest for dinner tomorrow! Water Water Water! I snacked on string cheese. Tech week eating wise is a little bittersweet. I have no time or mental capacity to eat, but it means I just shove whatever people drop off for me in my mouth while walking around or running to the bathroom. I typically drop some serious lbs during tech, but I am trying to keep it healthy, so we will see...

I haven't weighed in a while, but I am planning on it tomorrow....eeks. I will let ya know how THAT goes...

Finally, welcome new followers! I am so excited to see people starting to follow! Thanks for be interested in my life a little!

BUTT SHOES ROCK

I love my butt shoes. I am officially sore from a pair of sneakers. Nothing more. My hamstrings and butt hurt. Yay Butt Shoes!

I have been working on my wedding canvas for my homework from "Sandy". I will post my inspiration board as soon as I am complete.

I have been healthy for 2 days. Yay Me.

Cookies and Butt Shoes

Sorry I have been a deadbeat bride blogger, I was really busy passing two, YES TWO! Kidney stones this past week. I am working on being on the mend, but one of the side effects of my narcotic induced stuper is the sweet tooth from hell, which I rarely remember. Apparently, I went on an ice cream and cookie feeding frenzy, which I fail to recollect. If I don't remember shoving food into my mouth, did it really happen? Oh, I am sure that a jury of my peers would agree that I am guilty as charged of being a weak, diet cheater. I mean, that guy on CSI murdered his wife whilst sleep walking and didn't remember (SO guilty), so I am sure that my sleep/vicodin induced binge eating is the same...so here I am, guilty as charged. Convicted Fat-Felon.

Needless to say I spent the last week of life laying around, moaning, and chugging enough water fill up Shamoo's tank. This means I feel waterbloated, lazy, and fatty fat fat. The GOOD news is they're here. My butt shoes. I cannot wait to put these babies to the test. I wore them twice, no result as of yet...but I am sure that has something to do with my Gluttonous Cookie Craving Behavior. I will wear the shit out of them this week and will send out a report as needed. The good news is, they look really cool.

In wedding planning news, I hired a planner. For reals ya'll. I want to be in a state of bridal bliss being pampered and ignorant to the fact that the florist is late, or that someone took their 400 pound dog for a walk on the site that morning and left a wedding "gift", or that there was any issue ever during the whole day. These are things I will not be worried about. Matt is the most supportive about hiring Sandy, he just wants me to be a cool, calm, and collected Meggie on the big day. We ALL know this is never going to happen unless I am shot with a tranquilizer gun...but we can pretend that it will.

Also, we have a cake stand. Leaps and Bounds in the planning department I know, but really, where else does a fat bride start?

175 Oh my!

It's amazing how seeing a number on a scale that you have wanted to see so badly can make you feel. I have lost 18 pounds. Thats crazy! I have a little skip in my step.. I have a tune in my head....and most importantly I have my new Reebok Butt Shoes being shipped to me! I cannot wait to feel the burn! I will commentate on how much burn, butt shape, cellulite status, if my cankles have decreased...ect.... plus they are super cute!

Exercise has been ok...I lifted weights and did squats and lunges during the Bachelorette, until they olive oil wrestled. I stopped for a little bit to really watch that (sorry Matt). But then I continued. I've been trying to "burn out" (Bob's lingo, not mine) my triceps, they are one of my problem areas. This means that it hurts to lift my arms at all, and that I have to sleep mummy style so that I don't put any weight on them. Speaking of Bob, I think I need to reunite with him soon...I kinda miss the guy and his crazy need for me to smile while sweating my ass off..I need a Bob to follow me around and yell "DON'T EAT THAT FATTY!" Whenever I reach for a donut. And then after humiliating me publicly and making me cry, he will follow up with "It's OK Meg, let me see you SMILE!" What an A-hole. Maybe I don't need a Bob to follow me around.

On Monday, Kara(FSIL: Future Sister in Law) and I went to J Crew for a wedding dress adventure. It was INCREDIBLE! First off, Joan, my wedding dress consultant, was amazing. She was attentive, and honest, and she new Sabine (explained soon). Even though they only had sample sizes, I was able to get all of them on, and could actually tell what it looked like, even if I was clipped in. There was not one moment of horror or humiliation when I tried on a dress. It was lovely, it was...dare I say fun? I felt pretty. I felt skinny. Is this what the big deal is about cuz if so I LIKE IT!

And most importantly, I may have found THE. DRESS. Her name is Sabine (they are all named and called "she" at J Crew) and were are best friends. Sabine is ivory silk taffeta, with a rouched sweetheart neckline...she is amazing. Her empire waisted A-line skirt makes me look small, yes me=small!!! I am not a size "jumbo" at J Crew, which I love, and I love how luxurious the gowns are without being a million dollars. Sabine and I may reunite again soon...we'll see...

I have been working on my Binder, cutting clipping, gluesticking, and after every page making Matt look at it. I am not sure how much longer he will put up with me shoving a giant white binder in his face every 3 minutes, but he is putting up with it for now. Continuing with my DIY adventures, I played with a super silly favor, that after it was complete couldn't help but making more...Ladies and Gents I present to you...







Yup, the most ridiculous thing I have ever come up with. AND I LOVE IT! Does everyone get it now? How NOT the normal wedding event this is? And on top of that how much friggin fun we are gonna have? I have two goals on the big day. Marry the man I am madly in love with, and have a dag-on good time.


And eat cake. Duh.